You do not have to win the argument for your original question and your experience to matter.
Sound familiar? You ask a simple question, and a few minutes later you're talking about something else entirely. About how much they work. How lousy the job is. How much pressure there is. And somehow, in the end, you're the one who feels bad for asking at all.
How a conversation gets turned around
I'm telling you from the inside: it's no accident. Outrage, instant attack, raised voice. Those were my tools.
From any point, I could quickly flip the conversation.
In seconds, I could steer away from the real question, away from the real situation.
If you catch yourself explaining and justifying at the end of a conversation, it's worth thinking back: what was the original question?
The two lives of “Have you been drinking?”
“Have you been drinking?” A simple question. At first it comes up maybe every four months, and it can be brushed off with a smile on alcohol-scented breath and a playful hug.
Then it becomes a daily question. And by then the answer doesn't even matter. A voice that cracks, or a knee that gives way, tells more about my day than any detailed report.
If you're asking it every day, you're probably not waiting for the answer anymore. You already know.
Their problems may be real
This is hard for me to say. Yes, I can have problems – even as a man. Work can really be hard, the pressure can really be heavy. And it would have done me good to talk it through with a loving partner.
But I took that chance away from myself. My behavior and the drinking took over the focus. Rightly so.
I'm writing this because you may carry that guilt too: “But they really are having a hard time.” Maybe they are, and your compassion is not a mistake. But drinking claims every conversation for itself. As long as that's true, there's no room left for your questions or your exhaustion.
And what about you?
- When did you last talk about what's going on with you?
- Do you rehearse your questions in advance so they don't turn into a fight?
- Do you keep things to yourself because it'll end up being about them anyway?
- Have you ever apologized for something you didn't do?
- Is there someone you can tell how you're really doing?
If these were hard to answer, that's not your failure. It means your story deserves a place too.
One step
You don't have to win the next argument. It's enough that your own question doesn't get lost – even if you only say it again to yourself.
That is exactly what the workbook I Am Worried About You – But What About Me? is about. Open the free excerpt.
If the raised voice has started to frighten you, or you feel that you or your children are in danger, don't wait: go to immediate help.
Steven H. White – sober for more than ten years. He used to be the one who turned conversations around.