You do not need to diagnose your partner to take seriously what their drinking is doing to your life.
If you're reading this, you probably didn't start wondering today.
Maybe you noticed it at the grocery store: too much alcohol in the cart. Maybe the recycling bin clinked more than an ordinary week could explain. And maybe you asked, and you got an answer. A good, believable answer.
That's exactly what made everything even less certain.
The answer that comes before the question
I was the one giving those answers. So let me tell you how it works from the inside.
My answers were ready. I didn't come up with them on the spot. I made them in advance, like templates. “The gardener's coming.” “Some guys are coming to cut wood.” “Tom's stopping by, he'll be in the area anyway.” Every one of them was believable. Every one of them was a lie. And I said them without blinking.
I answered faster than the question was asked.
If your partner's answer comes too fast, too smooth, too ready, that doesn't necessarily mean they're right. It may mean they've been practicing for a long time.
“It's only beer”
Beer was my favorite. Though honestly, I loved everything.
Beer may be the sneakiest of all, because it looks more harmless than hard liquor and more everyday than wine. It goes down fast and it's easy to explain. But if you drink three at a time, the alcohol content stops mattering completely.
If you catch yourself thinking about what they drink rather than how much and why, it's worth stopping for a moment.
So why do you still doubt it?
Because you love them. Because they work, because they're “not like that.” Because you don't want to be unfair, and because once you say it out loud, something starts that you can't take back.
Doubt is not weakness. Doubt is a sign that your eyes already see something your mind doesn't yet dare to believe.
Does it help if someone says it out loud?
Many people ask: if I finally say it, or catch them in the act, will they finally see it?
My answer is uncomfortable. In an addict's life, these are strange questions. Even in the psychiatric ward, I believed I was there by accident. Because of something earth-shattering: the pressure of the construction project, a death in the family. There was always a big reason.
Then one day I was admitted on a plain Wednesday. Nothing special had happened that day. And the nurses were already greeting me by name.
That's the art of denial. The more I drink, the bigger the shame and the bigger the wreckage behind me. So I run. Far away, to Alcoholia.
I'm telling you this because it's not your job to make them admit it. They may not for a long time. Your first job is to stop doubting what you see.
A few questions – not about them, but about you
I won't give you a list of symptoms. A diagnosis isn't your job, and it isn't mine either. These questions are about your life:
- Do you count the bottles, the glasses, the cans?
- Have you ever made excuses for them in front of others – your family, your friends, or their employer?
- Do you know in advance what kind of evening you're in for, depending on whether they've been drinking?
- Have you ever accepted an explanation while knowing deep down it wasn't true?
- Have you changed your own plans because of their drinking?
- Have you ever felt that it's your fault, or that you're overreacting?
If you answered yes to several of these, that's not a verdict. It only means you're not imagining it. And you don't have to think it through alone.
One step, not ten
You don't have to decide right now whether to stay or go, to speak up or stay quiet. One step is enough: take seriously what you see.
If you don't know where to start, the first page of the workbook is about exactly that: open the free excerpt.
If things are acute – if you're afraid, or you feel that you or your children are in danger – don't wait: go to immediate help.
Steven H. White – sober for more than ten years, and once the one giving the believable answers.